Does anything ever really make sense?

This past year has been one of turmoil, downs, and ups. . . . Unfortunately more downs than up, it makes me think I should consider writing a country western song. The year started out with an opportunity for me to pursue a new career, one which afforded me more time w/ my kids so I decided to take it-but unfortunately things didn't turn out the way I had planned. All was not lost with that particular episode though because it has given me the opportunity to spend an entire summer with my children, and allows me to do all the running of errands to chasing after Alex's school schedule, and pursue my final two classes for my associate's degree.

Then there's my oldest sister who is in her early 40's went in for her routine cardiac cath and came out a heart attack and 3 stents later. That was another few weeks of watchful waiting and stress. . . I'm happy to report she is doing very well, it's just a matter of waiting to see what the next couple years bring for her.

Early in the summer I lost Mag, and while it was for all the right reasons it was probably one of my hardest blows. I still cry thinking about her in my quiet times, and I cry replaying the weeks leading up to putting her down, and the kids initial reaction; specifically Alex when I informed him that Mag would be going to heaven soon, his reply "but that means she'll die". It's one of those moments where you wonder, why does life have to be so hard?

Luckily we had a few months of quiet, and then the wonderful arrival of Ainslee-it was the one thing I knew I could look forward to the entire summer and hope to have a break in the dramatic twists my life seems to take.

Two days after bringing her home my mom informed me and my sister's that she was moving out of the house, and pursuing a legal separation or possible divorce from my dad after 40+ years of marriage. While their relationship was anything but great, and we could all understand how they could get to that point-it's a hard pill to swallow, especially coming off what was supposed to be a great time in my household w/ the addition of a new baby. For about 2 weeks my mom stayed at various houses meanwhile pursuing the proper steps to separate, when she got to the financial part of the separation the "shit hit the fan". My dad finally hit rock bottom, realized this was the real deal and finally agreed to go to counseling for himself, as well as marriage counseling. I'm happy to report my mom has moved back home, and things seem to be going very well. They wasted so much time hating each other for simple misunderstandings, and need to work past some resentment issues so hopefully with the help of professionals they can do that. If not, at least we'll all have the peace of mind that they did everything in their power to make it work.

For those of you that may not know, one of my older sister's has an addiction to pain killers; she also relies heavily on anti-depressant and anxiety meds to get her through the day. If you've ever watched the t.v. show Intervention-her life mirrors many of those people. Shortly after I had Laura she hit rock bottom and got herself some help, unfortunately it seems she relapsing. I've decided to distance myself from this situation-she is the only one that can help herself, and my plate is full enough with my own immediate family that I don't think this warrants my attention. While it might seem selfish, I've spent a better part of 2 years dealing and helping her directly only watch it all fall back to a relapse, so I'm officially giving up on that right now.

Finally, Granny Ruth (Ains' middle name sake) was admitted to the hospital last week, they weren't quite sure what was wrong but they felt that there was possibly a trauma to her urethra due to the catheter getting moved. A few days went by and her bleeding continued which lead them to believe they were dealing with something bigger like cancer, luckily the bleeding has subsided so they are sticking with their first diagnosis; however, they did agree that Grandma is steadily declining and feel that hospice should probably be called in. There's no telling how long she could be with us-hours, days, or years (knowing her:). I struggle with this more because I know how pissed she'd be if she knew it came to this-88 years old and has to rely on everyone to do everything for her, and she can't even see or talk. I ask myself and God, why? What is the point of keeping somebody on Earth like that?

I have found myself asking this question for a better part of the year, it's been a hard one to swallow for me. I am not a fan of drama, so you can imagine that this year has been the one from hell. Most days I woke up and wondered where the bottom was going to drop out today? I am a strong believer in everything happening for a reason, I really struggled with this the past year. I know this is sort of a downer post, but I felt I owed it to some people to let them know if I've come off frazzled, seem distant, or have had a hard time focusing-one of these few things might have been the reason why.

While I give up trying to piece all things together, some of it makes sense. Things I do know are that I am so blessed to have my family, my health, and a head on my shoulders that tends to keep things clear.